你怎麼連話都說不清楚?

我站在他的身邊; 你站在我的面前; 怎麼這樣心裡會難過?



Will Pan [26]
Show Luo [27]
Yeh Yixue [20] (fictional)


Yixue:

It was four years ago that I met both of them. It was also four years ago that Will promised that he’d be with me forever. But it was also four years ago that Show stopped having serious relationships. Yet it was four years ago that my heart made a decision, one that I did not know of. Until now.


Show:

[4 Years Ago]

“Oei Zhu.” Will nudged me.

“What?”

Will gestured in the general direction to his left. I followed his gaze.

It was a soccer field, on which there were two groups of guys playing against each other.

I shot Will a ‘what’s-so-great-about-a-soccer-field’ look and Will grimaced at me impatiently.

Will pointed. “Look.”

I looked. “WHAT? Eh? … OH.”

There was a girl amongst almost-twenty boys. And she was no less skilled than they were.

“You know what?” Will stated, “She’s going to be my girlfriend.”

“Huh?”

[2 Years Later]

It was Yixue’s birthday and she held a mini celebration, inviting some of her closer friends, including me.

I showed up with a necklace as her present. From the day I knew her, I’d been giving her little presents now and then. I never expected to get anything back from her, but I stupidly continued to give.

Much as I knew it was impossible for her to suddenly fall for me, stubborn me refused to believe it. I was always the silent listener; I was always there when she needed someone. Even so, I was just but the substitute; the second-in-line; the back-up; the unimportant and insignificant person also known as the “Best Friend”.

I stood in a discreet corner, watching the people chat in cheerful tones and high voices; and watching Yixue walk around with arms interlinked with Will.

I couldn’t describe the feeling. Or maybe, I didn’t want to describe it. To the others, the feeling might be joy and delight. For me, it was nothing but plain torture. It hurt. Damn did it hurt to see her looking so blissful.

I wanted so much for that guy on her arm to be me. But I couldn’t, because that guy was my best friend.

That was the year that I insisted that my producers include the song “小丑魚” in my second album.

But I guessed Yixue never really listened. Will’s third album had more for her to swoon over, what with the songs “太想愛你”, “Kiss Night” and the likes.

我早該知道你終究不是我該愛的人
黑暗中兩眼無神 夜裡不再為我開盞燈
始終不敢把愛說出口 當然沒有資格去競爭

The moment Will set his eyes on her I should have known I should never fall for her. But it’s really true that love cannot be controlled. Day by day, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into this endless abyss that no one, except her, would be able to save me from.

[Present]

Recently, Will became super hot in the Mainland, and so he was away half of the time doing promotions there. Yixue couldn’t go with him for she was taking a degree course here.

I couldn’t deny we became closer through all these time, but I wasn’t sure if there existed a chance for us to become even closer.

That day we went drinking and I unintentionally said something I shouldn’t have. It was unconscionable that I should take advantage of my best friend’s absence to hit on his girlfriend.

It just came out of my mouth. I told her I liked her. And she said that she knew.

She knew. She knew I liked her. Then why is she doing this to me? When did she know? Is she doing this on purpose?

Questions swarmed in my mind; questions I couldn’t answer yet dared not ask.

I looked at her with an agonized expression and she returned my gaze with one just as pained. Then she raised her hand and placed it on my left cheek.

I covered her hand with mine. And we just stared at each other for a very long time. Until she suddenly pulled away and muttered “I’m sorry.” Then she got up and left.

I hastily chucked a few bills on the counter and ran after her.

“Yixue!” I called as I grabbed her arm from behind.

She halted in her tracks but didn’t turn to look at me. “Xiaozhu-gege, let go.”

“Not until you tell me.”

“Tell you what?” She now turned to face me.

“Tell me why you’re doing this to me.”

“I—” She started, then was lost for words. Her eyes frantically searched the floor as if it would give her answers.

I didn’t let go of her arm as I watched her.

“Just… We can’t be together.” She said, trying to pluck my hand away from hers.

But she wasn’t strong enough. “Why? How long have you known?”

“Two years ago. When you sang 小丑魚.”

My hand involuntarily let go. A weak “what?” was all I could manage.

I saw her hesitate, then she took hold of my forearm and pulled me away. “Let’s go someplace else. I think we need to talk.”

I followed her lead like a retarded, lost child as she dragged me along and dumped me in the passenger seat of my own car. She dug my keys out from my pocket and sat herself in the driver’s seat. She seemed to think for a bit, then she turned the keys in the ignition and drove off.

I half wanted to ask her where we were going, but I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth. I stared blankly into space and heard her call somebody on her cell.

“Hello! You have reached Yeh Yihua’s voicemail! Yes, the bestest dancer in the whole world. Please do leave a message even though I might be too busy to call you back. BEEP!”

Yixue shut her cell impatiently and mumbled “Stupid Kor.”

I stole a glance at her. Her brows were furrowed. I couldn’t even count the number of times I wanted to hold her in my arms when she looked so troubled. Then I lost track of time until Yixue stopped the car.

The place looked familiar. It was my apartment block.

I got out of the car automatically and headed to the lift landing. She was typing a message on her phone all the way from the car to the lift. We didn’t say anything until we were in my apartment.

She sat on my sofa, and I sat myself down on the other side of the sofa.

“The first time we met was after I’d been together with Will for five months.” Yixue stated. “I always wondered, if things would have been the same if I got to know you first, or both of you at the same time.”

I remained silent. I had always wished I had known her before Will.

“I continuously felt that you treated me a little different, from your little notes to your flowers. But I never really realized why until I saw the way you sang 小丑魚. I tried to avoid your eyes but I still could feel them fixed on me. I pretended not to know and reverted my attention back to Ber instead.”

I wanted to look at her, but couldn’t bring myself to do so.

“Xiaozhu-gege, I’m sorry. I—” She stopped abruptly.

“You what?” I blurted out, not even sure if I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“I better get going.” She said in a fluster. “Ber calls me at this time every night.”

“Wait.” I heard myself say. “Answer my question first.”

She halted and looked at me with those soulful eyes.

“Do you feel a bit for me? Even the tiniest bit?”

“I…”

“If I knew you first, do you think it’s possible for us to be together?”

She appeared reluctant to answer the question, but in the end she did. “No. It’s impossible. I don’t like you at all.”

My heart sank even deeper. “Okay.”


Yixue:

I was lying. I wanted to say Yes to every of his questions. But then I’d think of Ber and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything of that sort to him.

Yes, I loved him. But I liked Show too. And I liked him very much. Too much.

I held back tears as I said those words to him. I knew how much it was going to hurt, but I had no other choice. Perhaps it would be best for us if we stayed as just friends. As much as I wanted to be with him, I knew it wasn’t possible as long as Ber was here. I couldn’t bear to think what would have happened if I had known Xiaozhu-gege first. Because thinking would only make me sadder.

Sorry, Xiaozhu-gege. Maybe we weren’t fated to be together this life.


Will:

I was away in the Mainland for close to a year and a half. When I returned, things weren’t quite the same anymore.

Yixue didn’t have that same carefree, blissful look in her eyes anymore.

Show didn’t speak much and stopped joking around us anymore.

And both of them seldom spoke to each other.

It would seriously take a fool not to notice that, and an even bigger one to not know what happened.

As much as I loved her, I saw that she didn’t love me quite as much as before anymore. She was fluctuating between me and Show and I had no idea when she would make a decision once and for all. Even though she didn’t show that she liked him, I could still feel the distance between me and her slowly widening.

I could only say that, because I love her, I’d accept her decision; whatever it might be. Yixue, 怪我自己給你太多機會, 讓你因為寂寞愛上了誰.


Show:

Will was back. I didn’t know how to face him. I actually tried to take advantage of his absence to snatch his girlfriend away. Love does make us do the stupidest things.

I saw his two songs in his latest album and I knew that he knew what went on when he was away. Did that mean the end of their relationship?

It was so apparent in 機會. And then the song he wrote, 謝謝. “想起你看他眼神中的滿足, 我學會了服輸. 他能給你保護, 代替我的照顧, 我只能偷偷的為你祝福,” it said, “謝謝你曾讓我們幸福.”

God, what have I done?

I really didn’t want to split them up; they were my best friends, especially Will.

I think I let him down this time.


Yixue:

He knew. I not only wounded Show, now I injured Will as well. I didn’t deserve two such great guys becoming like this because of me.

I knew I had to give up one of them, but I couldn’t. I loved Will too much to let him go; yet the love I was accumulating for Show was tripping my decision.

I went out with Will that day and we strolled along the streets, just like we used to do in the past.

I was thinking, if Will said or did something to keep me, I’d love him wholeheartedly for the rest of my life.

But if he didn’t, and Show told me to leave with him, then I would.

And what should happen during that fateful stroll, but coincidentally meeting Show.

I was holding Will’s hand, but I just froze the moment I saw Show.


Will:

Something in me made me slowly release her hand.


Show:

不再乎我的心會永遠的寂寞… Go with Will.


Yixue:

And the three of us just stood there.

Labels: Caught in the Middle