我愛你

往往兩個人多親密 是透過傷害來證明



Yixue:

I looked at the both of them, unsure of what to do. Will had a resigned look on his face, Show had a questioning one. Then I realized that, no, I wasn’t going to make a decision at all. I wasn’t going to decide between the two of them. I hesitated for a while, then I turned and walked away.


Will:

The next I heard of her, was that she was moving to Singapore with her brother. And I became even busier with my album promotions, so I didn’t meet Show regularly anymore.

Before she left, she sent me a message, saying that she was sorry, and that she won’t be coming back again.

I should forget her.


Show:

She had left.

The last thing she said to me was ‘sorry xiaozhu-gege, we’ll always be best friends’.

She wasn’t coming back again.

I should move on already.


Yixue:

“You’re leaving Will and Xiaozhu just like that?”

I gazed out of the airplane window. In a few minutes the plane would take off.

Yihua sighed. “I can’t believe this. My sister actually has two guys going crazy over her.”

I scowled at my brother.

“And you caused me to lose two best friends. Humph.”

“Stop being childish. It’s not my fault we have to leave. It’s YOU who need to move to Singapore, not me.”

“I know but you probably want to move more than I do.”

I shut up and continued looking out the window even though I could see nothing but the wing of the plane.

After a while the plane was moving steadily in the air already, and I switched on my Zen Neeon, seeking solace in music. It was on random mode, and the first song it chose to play had to be SHE’s 他還是不懂.

How apt.

他還不懂 還是不懂
離開時想要被挽留

As much as I didn’t want to choose between the two of them, if one of them, any one of them, asked me to stay, I probably would.

I suddenly realized how much I missed Ber. He used to be my everything. Then Xiaozhu-gege had to show up. I couldn’t describe how hard it was to walk away. But it’d be harder to choose between them. That was why I chose, to leave.

愛不是他給的不多
是不知到我要什麼

If I could turn back time, I’d rather not have met the both of them. I wouldn’t have known the beauty of love, but at least they wouldn’t need to experience the pain it brings.

Goodbye, Taiwan.

And, goodbye Ber and Xiaozhu-gege… Forever.

[6 months later]

For the past few months I’d been busying myself with work. I decided not to continue with my degree course anymore, so I’d been helping out at my brother’s dance school. He had just released an EP, so I was also mostly in charge of his activities and stuff.

Busy was good. At least I didn’t have time to think about Will and Show.

Aright that was a lie. I was HOPING that keeping myself busy would help me not think of them. But it failed miserably.

想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想著你 搭車想著你 合眼閉眼間出現的全是你

I wish I could feel the love of Will’s embrace again, and the warmth of Show’s hands. Many times I wanted to scold myself for thinking about the both of them. But I couldn’t help it. Subconsciously, they had both taken over my thoughts.

Obviously, it didn’t help that Xiaozhu-gege had become so hot in Singapore. Every time I turned on the television, I’d see him hosting 100% Entertainment or him dancing so bewitchingly in his advert. Every time I turned on the radio, there had to be some song of his playing.

Then, finally, I stopped listening to the radio all in all. 好朋友 was the last straw for me.

I guessed Will was still in the Mainland. But then again, none of that mattered to me anymore.

Some time ago, Fahrenheit was doing their debut album’s promotions in Singapore. And coincidentally, I got to meet them. That was the first time I met Jiro, and it was certainly not the last. After their album promotions ended, we kept in contact via the telephone and e-mails.

Then Jiro started flying to Singapore on a regular basis. My brother encouraged me to go out with him. So I did.

When I went to watch movies with him, I felt like I had returned to the past when Will and I hit the cinemas every other day. When I had dinner with him, I felt as if I was seeing Xiaozhu-gege munching his food happily like a small boy. When I strolled on the beach with him, it was like Ber was at my side again, holding my hand and telling me that he loved me.

Then I realized. I wasn’t being very fair to Jiro, was I? I saw that I couldn’t lead him on anymore. I told him that, and we decided to stay as friends instead.

My brother found a girlfriend and there he was, happily singing 點水蜻蜓 to her while I was brooding over stuff I should have let go of when I left Taiwan.

Jiro’s visits to Singapore didn’t cease, though it became less frequent due to his busy schedule in Taiwan.

Maybe I should just stop having links with Taiwan completely.

February 9th was the day my life took another drastic turn.

As usual I was walking towards to City Hall MRT station from The Esplanade after work, and then I saw him. I froze. He was covered up in strange garb but I knew it was him.

I guessed he saw me before I saw him, because when I noticed he was already looking at me.


Show:

She was the reason why I just had to come to Singapore for my album promotion. I even had a row with my company over that. But it was all worth it.

On my second day in Singapore, I saw her. I swear it was purely coincidental.

I spotted her first and at that exact moment my heart skipped a beat. Thank goodness I slipped out of the hotel on my own.

I knew I was supposed to have forgotten her and moved on. But now here I was, acting like a lovelorn, lovesick guy again.

She noticed my presence soon after I saw her. She stopped in her tracks. I wasn’t moving either.

I didn’t know what to do.

Should I go up to her to say something? But what should I say? ‘I miss you’? ‘Why did you leave’? ‘Will you go back with me’? No, this was totally ridiculous. I couldn’t say any of that. That’d just make her leave without even answering my questions, perhaps.

We slowly started towards each other.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi.” She said, avoiding my eyes.

I missed you. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. I’ve been busy with my kor’s dance school and his EP stuff.” She stated simply.

“Oh” was all I could come up with.

I so wanted to take her into my arms and tell her that I’d love her and protect her with my life, for all my life.

But she said, “It’s late. I’ve gotta go.” And she began walking away.

“Yixue!” I called after her before I could process that thought and stop myself.

From her steps I saw that she was reluctant to stop, still, she did.

“Yixue, can’t you give me a chance? To show you that I can and will love you? That I will care about you and protect you? Please?”

Without turning back, she shook her head and hastily walked away.

She soon disappeared from sight and I returned to my hotel room, feeling like shit. I couldn’t even feel my heart beating anymore. I should stop being stupid, and give up right now before I hurt myself anymore.


Yixue:

Why? Why did he have to appear in front of me again? After I’d tried so hard to erase those memories, he just had to come and disrupt my life again.

I couldn’t stop my tears as I journeyed home. Once I reached home, I collapsed into a heap and cried like there was no tomorrow.

I missed Xiaozhu-gege. I missed his crazy antics. I missed his cute jokes. I missed his dazzling smile. I missed his adorable pout. I missed his captivating voice. I missed his enthralling dance moves. I missed his sweet poses. I missed his delectable cooking. I missed his mesmerizing eyes.

I missed everything about him.

Most of all, I missed him. Just, simply him.


Will:

I heard Show was going to Singapore for his album promotion and I had a feeling that he wouldn’t be there only for his album promotion. He probably had other motives. Going to find Yixue had to be one.

That was it. I shouldn’t be letting her go just like that. No, I had to get her back. Whatever the outcome might be, at least I’d have tried. Yes, I needed to go to Singapore, right now.

Even if she did choose Show in the end, I would be able to say that, we were once in love with each other, though it didn’t last till forever.


Yixue:

My brother was shocked to find me bawling my eyes out when he reached home. He knelt beside me and hugged me, lending me his shoulder.

Feeling my brother’s embrace reminded me of Will and I cried even louder.

I was so used to Will. The touch of his hand, the tone of his voice, the shape of his shoulder, the profile of his face, the tenderness of his hug…

God, I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I couldn’t just pretend Show and Will didn’t exist anymore. I shouldn’t try to forget them anymore. I needed to face the truth. I needed them. I couldn’t live without them.

“Kor,” I said between sobs, “Can you tell me what to do?”

Yihua shook his head. “Yixue, look, I’m not you. Neither am I Show or Will. What I can tell you is, however, that both of them love you very much—and so do I—and no matter what your choice is, make sure that you won’t let yourself down. And make sure, that you won’t let whoever you choose down again.”

I nodded.


Will:

I reached Singapore at night on the 10th.

I didn’t know where to find her. I didn’t even know where to start from. I’d been to Singapore quite a few times but I still wasn’t sure where was where.

Instinct told me that I should go there.


Show:

I was leaving tomorrow, and I wanted to see Yixue again. I decided to try my luck at the same place again.


Yixue:

After I ended work I just had this strange feeling urge to go to the roof terrace. So I did. It was already rather late and there were few people up there. I gazed up at the stars, and all of a sudden it all dawned on me. I couldn’t let myself down again. And I wouldn’t.

Suddenly I heard my name. That voice sounded really familiar.

“Ber.” I spun round, and there he was.

從你眼睛看著自己 最幸福的倒影
握在手心的默契 是明天的指引

“Why did you let me go?”

“Because I was stupid. I now know that I shouldn’t have. Will you have me back?” He smiled into my eyes.

My eyes watered.

“I still love you like I did, Yixue. I need to know if you love me too. Or Xiaozhu.”

I opened my mouth but my voice was stuck. I cursed myself for always doing stupid things at the wrong time.

Will continued looking at me, waiting for my answer.

I stretched my arms around him, and hugged him tight. He hugged me back, and I could honestly say that these were the arms I’d gladly lay in for the rest of my life.


Will:

I won’t let her go again. She’s the happiness I want to have, forever.


Show:

I don’t think there would be a more foolish person than me living on this Earth. I shouldn’t be here at all. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her in the first place.


Yixue:

I glimpsed Xiaozhu-gege standing not far away, illuminated by the lamps and the moonlight.

“Xiaozhu-gege.” I breathed against Will’s face.

He released me slowly and turned to see Show rooted to the ground a few metres away.

“Xiaozhu-gege.” I said.

But none of us moved.

Labels: Caught in the Middle, Part II