Shawn Yue
Kate Kwan (Fictional)

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Shawn:

Do you know what it’s like to see the one you love walk away from you?

Do you know what it’s like when the one you love stayed together with you only because she was forced to?

Have you any idea what it’s like to watch the one you love in misery because of you?

Well, I do. And I have.

I was never fated to be with Kate. I tried to change our destiny, but how could a mortal human go against something as huge as fate? I tried accepting it, but I knew that I never would. I was obviously not the one for Kate, so why was she the only one I wanted? She had since left me, but I am still here, always waiting.

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Kate:

Shawn was possibly the nicest guy I had ever met. He was caring, he was kind, he was generous, he was tall, he was handsome, he was rich, he loved me, and he was the son of a Mob boss.

Yes, you heard me right. Shawn was the son of a Mob boss, the only heir to his father’s empire. I was merely a girl most unlikely to be associated with triads and gangs. Yet I was somehow drawn into their circle. I used to detest triads and gangsters, because from young, the impression I had of them was that they killed people and burnt their houses. Given a choice, I would not have allowed myself to be sucked into this whirlpool of hate and violence.

But I didn’t have a choice.

Did I?

I had just broken up with my previous partner when I met Shawn. Or, more accurately, when he suddenly appeared in my life. My life had always been peaceful and routine, bordering on the edge of being boring. His appearance was like a thunderstorm in my perfectly calm and normal life.

Contrary to what people believed of a Mob boss’ heir, Shawn was neither brooding nor a playboy. He was the direct opposite of the typical gangster stereotype. Shawn had a perpetual lopsided grin on his face, he was playful, he was cheerful, he was happy-go-lucky, and he was just full of life. His attitude towards life was ever so optimistic. Never would I have guessed that he had such a dark background behind that sunny exterior.

But, of course I knew there was more to him than all that exuberance.

His eyes were the most expressive things I had ever seen. Just take one look into them and his feelings might as well be laid bare on a table in front of you. If anything, his eyes made me fall in love with him. I knew I couldn’t fall too deep, because the black of his eyes were like an endless abyss, waiting for the one person to fall all the way in and never climb back out again. I had enough experience to know I couldn’t love another person with all my heart again, because it would hurt like hell if he decided to take it then shatter it into a million tiny fragments.

Perhaps I wasn’t being fair to him, but I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore if the worst were to happen yet again.

His eyes told me I could trust him with every single cell in my body. But I was reluctant to give him that much.

Shawn was a fantastic guy, but I wasn’t ready to commit to a guy with an uncertain future. When he first came clean about his family background and all to me, I thought he was joking. It turned out he wasn’t. And as it would be in all Hong Kong triads, the gang members all called him “siu ye”, which basically just meant ‘young master’ in English.

That was the first time I’d ever seen Shawn with a perfectly straight and somewhat fierce face. To be honest, it scared me. Of course he didn’t look as menacing as those aggressive triad leaders seen on television. But to see Shawn, who was always so cute and carefree, looking remotely powerful, I hated that side of him on sight.

And he knew that. But there was nothing he could do about it. That was him. That was his life. It wasn’t easy to back out being an heir to a triad as big as this. He had long accepted that fact, which was why he was making use of his current time to have fun and all. Because he knew that once he took over, he would be living a life based on loyalty, violence and bloodshed.

He needed me to know that. And he needed to know that I was willing to stick by him through everything.

But I wasn’t ready. This storm was only getting bigger and I was trapped in it without a raincoat, an umbrella, or even a tree as cover. I’d much rather be struck by lightning under that tree, than be stuck in this situation, with nothing else but the love in Shawn’s eyes as reassurance.

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Shawn:

Something between us changed after I told her who I really was. I had already expected it, I only didn’t think it would be so drastic.

Her life had been so normal, so happy. Because of me, it was going to undergo a complete 180-degree change. Why should I expect her to change for me?

Things took a change for the worse when my father wanted for us to get married right away. His reason was that he didn’t have many more years to go, and he wanted to see his grandson. I protested, Kate didn’t say anything. I was resigned to my fate; I wasn’t expecting her to be as well.

I didn’t even get a chance to propose to her. We were forced into a marriage neither of us wanted. I didn’t want it because I knew that there would not be happiness brought about by force. She didn’t want it because she did not see a future in all of these, much less mine as a triad leader.

She didn’t get a romantic proposal. She didn’t get her lavish dream wedding. My father practically had us like puppets on a string controlled by him. But neither of us even tried to defy him. When I looked into her eyes, Kate wasn’t happy at all. Hell, I couldn’t even see if she still loved me like she did.

Was I wrong to have dragged her into this world I belonged to? Should I have come clean to her about my background right from the start? But if I had, then there would never be a future for us. Not even a present. If I had, I would have lost her right then. If I had, I would never experience those happy times I had only with her. And if I had, I would never have known that she really loved me.

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Kate:

So that was how Mob weddings were held. And I thought I was attending a funeral, or perhaps some kind of ritual that would pronounce two or more men as brothers in some kind of brotherhood thing. It was dark. There weren’t many people. I lost my family since I was young, so there weren’t any of my relatives. In fact, everyone I saw was a triad member.

I shuddered at the eeriness, at the ceremony that seemed devoid of feelings.

Hell, yeah I wanted to marry Shawn. But not like this. Not… forced. If he had proposed to me, then maybe we could have run away and get married in a small chapel by the sea, away from all of this. But no. It had to be like this. Were Mob bosses always so dictatorial? Because I knew Shawn dared not go against his father’s orders. As for me, I was just the normal girl-next-door who happened to be the love of Shawn’s life. What was I to say?

The day was disastrous. Neither of us even smiled that day. Not that night either. Shawn had his own apartment, because he didn’t want to feel too restrained by his father by staying in that huge mansion. I had moved in some time ago, but that night when we returned there, both of us were strangely silent. There was a sort of unfamiliarity that revolved around us, like I had never known this man until I was forced to marry him.

We had once exchanged looks and then both of us looked away immediately. Then he told me the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard in my life. He told me I could take his room while he took the couch. I would have laughed if not for the expression he had. His face was solemn, and he appeared so… lost. But it just seemed so dumb. A few days ago it was here that we were so happy. Now, we were married yet we couldn’t sleep on the same bed?

Thankfully, things became better after the next few days. Having both accepted that our status was now ‘married’, and that everything had not gone the way we had wanted, we were both resigned to our lives. To hell with being not married the right way I wanted.

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Shawn:

But as always, happy times did not stay long.

My father officially stepped down and passed his duties to me months later.

Kate said that once that had happened, I wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t the Shawn she loved. I was not the Shawn who loved her. I was Yue Man Lok, the new boss of the Black Dragons.

The days passed and we spoke to each other less and less. That was mainly because I didn’t get much time of my own. Practically all of my waking hours were spent at the Black Dragons’ main territorial area. In fact, I was kept awake most of the time because of the gang. I was neglecting Kate and I knew it.

From then on, I knew that my decision to bring Kate into my world was really wrong and was possibly the worst decision I could have ever made in my life. I seldom saw her and when I did, I realized that, not only was the old Shawn gone, the old Kate was gone too. I was horribly remorseful for ruining her yet I didn’t want to let her go because I still loved her so hopelessly much.

I couldn’t let go of the empire my father had worked so hard to build. But I couldn’t let go of Kate either. I had to make a choice. But it was already too late.

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Kate:

I loved Shawn. Loved him too much that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand not being able to see him, not being able to speak to him, not being able to just… be with him. It wasn’t our choice. But he could change it. I knew he could do something to change whatever was happening to us. He just didn’t.

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Shawn:

If I had made that decision earlier, I wouldn’t have lost her.

One day I went home in the wee hours of the morning, to find her gone. Gone from my life, possibly forever, leaving nothing but a note. I should have seen this coming. I hadn’t. I could only blame myself. I had her living in misery for so long. I should have done something about it sooner.

The only consolation I found was in the fact that she hadn’t left her wedding ring behind. I guessed she still loved me, as I do her.

I was no longer a Mob boss. But I was no longer happy either.

I wished she knew. I wished she would come back.

But… Perhaps she was happier now.

Perhaps she had found someone else.

Perhaps she no longer loved me like she did.

Perhaps I was nothing but a passing thunderstorm in her life.

But I don’t want to be just that passing rain. Kate, wherever you are, I want you to know that I have made my decision. I’m changing my life for you. I am not part of the triads anymore. Because there’s nothing I want more than to be with you. Kate, I love you and I have always loved you. Hear my plea and you know where I’ll be. And there’s another thing that will never change. I am waiting for you and I will always wait for you. Kate, as long as you’ll have me, I’m here, always waiting.

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A/N: This one shot has been inspired by Shawn Yue's "一直等待".

Labels: Always Waiting

像個小孩

停格在過去的愛裡 心裡的鐘 不再前進



Yixue:

Five years ago, if I hadn’t met them, then there would be three less sad people in this world. Right now, there wasn’t anything I hoped more than for all of us to forget about each other, forget about what happened in the past; both the sad and happy memories. Everything.



Show:

If I were to say that I had moved on, then that would be the biggest lie I’d ever tell in my whole life.

Almost a year ago, I was made the biggest fool. One year on, I guessed I was still the biggest fool.

My first reaction when I saw them, was to turn around and leave. But it was too late, because they had both already spotted me. I should have gone up to them to say something. At least then I could still walk away with dignity.

But I didn’t. Instead, I chose to run away from them. From then on, the label “coward” was to be pasted on me. I wasn’t anything less than one. I ran. I ran away from the love of my life and my best friend, wishing them unspoken happiness from the bottom of my heart, only to realize it was superficial.

為什麼莫明有種矛盾的情緒
給了你祝福 又盼望你回心轉意

Perhaps they were happily together now. Perhaps they no longer remembered the bad times that had passed. Perhaps… I was no longer a prominent figure in their lives… Their present… Their past…



Will:

No one knew. No one knew that Yixue and I weren’t together anymore. Everyone thought I succeeded when I went to Singapore that time. But the truth was, nobody succeeded in anything.

I had thought that I could love her like I did again; but realized that there was a gossamer barrier between us, separating us. We could no longer go back to the past. Neither could we step into the future together.

When I saw Show turn up at the rooftop terrace and noticed her reaction, I thought about a lot. In that few moments, thousands and millions of thoughts swirled through my mind. But one was unmistakable: there was no way to save this relationship anymore, even if we both tried.


Yixue:

Jiro called frequently to check how I was doing. I appreciated his concern and was glad I rejected him previously. I wasn’t worthy of such a good man; just like how I wasn’t worthy of Ber and Xiaozhu-gege. As time flashed by, even Jiro found himself another girl. But I was still stuck in the past.

回憶在我耳邊呼吸 讓我 徹底的輸給了傷心

How I wished none of this had happened. Ber and I would still be together; Xiaozhu-gege would still be our best friend. If Xiaozhu-gege and I hadn’t went out for a drink that day… Would things be different now? Or would there be other events that would eventually lead up to the present situation?

My beloved brother had gone back to Taiwan and had forced me to go back with him. But right before boarding I fled. There was absolutely no way I would go back to a place where there was a higher possibility of running into two men I loved but also hurt. My brother was slightly irked, but he knew why I did that and he did not blame me for it. So when he was gone, I helped him take care of his dance school.

But of course, like I had already found out, staying busy didn’t help one bit in keeping stray thoughts out of my mind.


Show:

When I first saw the schedule for recording, I was slightly dismayed, yet slightly relieved as well. The day for recording Will’s Ting Zheng Hui on 100% Entertainment finally arrived. We managed to keep up a friendly banter and cheery atmosphere throughout the whole recording. Even Alien didn’t realize that we weren’t exactly on the best or closest terms then.

We did not speak a single word to each other before the recording, but after recording, I guessed we both decided that we couldn’t go on like this anymore.

We met in a deserted corridor, and both of us started speaking at the same time. Then Will asked me to speak first. I mentally took a deep breath, mustered a smile, and asked, “So, how’s Yixue?”

Will shrugged. He shrugged. Why on earth did he shrug?

“I don’t really know.”

My heart stopped for a second or so. My expression was blank as I was overcome by puzzlement. “What do you mean you don’t really know?”

I thought I heard him sigh. “I mean, we didn’t get back together after you left.”

I swore my heart died.

“Zhu?”

I finally heard him on his umpteenth time calling my name. “Um,” I started, at a loss for words.

“I’m sorry none of us told you.”

I shook my head, wanting to say that it was okay but the words just couldn’t come out.

我到底哭什麼 哭什麼 明明搞笑的
我努力唱好朋友 我忘了是誰哭了…


Will:

The truth was I didn’t want anyone to know. Not even Zhu, who was one of the parties involved. I concurred that leaving wasn’t a choice I had to make. It would have made all the difference. But since I did, there was no point regretting.

I tried not to look at him. I couldn’t bring myself too.

But like him, I wanted to ask the same question. How… was Yixue? Was she happier now? Had she found someone else and forgotten about us? Some part of me wished she had; because that might strengthen our deterrence to forget about her and move on.


Yixue:

I shut myself away from civilization, not switching on the television, not listening to the radio, not reading entertainment magazines, not going to entertainment websites, not reading gossip news. The only place I went everyday was to work at my brother’s dance school.

Naturally, I wouldn’t know that they were coming to Singapore… At the same time. I didn’t know if it was a coincidence or it was purposefully planned. But I did not want to know.

My brother was the one who told me about their impending arrival in Singapore. I wondered how he knew. Maybe he had spies.

I checked the calendar. Xiaozhu-gege was coming for his album promo and concert, from November 30 to December 2. Ber would be here from December 1 to December 4. Was it just a bad coincidence? I wished my brother did not have to tell me. If I didn’t know about it, I wouldn’t have cared. But now that I knew, it got imprinted in my brain. And everyday it nagged at me. I wished it would go away.

I made up my mind not to even think of going to look for them. Why should I, anyway? No, I was going to stick with my usual schedule, doing the same things I always did on those days. Just because they were coming did not mean that I had to change the way I worked. Just because they were coming did not mean that I had to think about them.

But I was thinking of them, wasn’t I? I kept telling myself to not remind myself of them; well, that was thinking about them. Perhaps I should go bang my head against the wall and hope to suffer from memory loss. That would definitely help.

情已逝 我還在 注定一個人流浪…

Yeah, a hell lot.


Show:

When Ah-Xiong told me that Will was going to be in Singapore the same time I did, I didn’t know what to think.

The next few weeks came and passed very quickly and I was already due to be in Singapore. Will was arriving a day later than I, and I was contemplating whether to look for her or not. Xiao-Shuang stopped me from looking for her.

She was right. I should concentrate on my concert first.


Will:

路太彎 夢在轉 錯過的人已不在
以為我 能習慣 一個人的安全感

This wasn’t my favourite ballad off my new album for no reason. I didn’t write it, but it reflected us.

緣分必盡太短…

I doubted I would go look for her. I shouldn’t, right? Well, at least that was what I thought.

Rainie called to ask me out for supper with her and Show. She said that Zhu was all agreeable with it. So I agreed as well. After all, with Rainie there, the situation couldn’t get too awkward, right?


Yixue:

I did not know what came over me that made me switch on the television. And what should be broadcasting live, but a Ber performance at some variety programme. The subtitles showed that he was singing a song for which he wrote both the music and lyrics too.

‘說你愛我 說你要我 說你永遠不離開我
我承認此刻的我懦弱’

I reached for my remote control.

‘說你愛我 說你要我 說你永遠不離開我
這要求是否太多?’

I managed to reach my remote control finally and turned off the TV. I stoned for a moment, attempting to assimilate what I had just seen and heard.

He… Wrote that?

All of a sudden I didn’t want to know about anything, anymore.


Show:

I wasn’t planning on turning the situation tense and edgy. The question just came out of my mouth like that. And it was too late.

Will looked shocked. Rainie did not know what was happening.

I shut up.


Will:

I didn’t say a word either. He should have known better than to mention her. To think that we were both in the same country as her, yet both of us were acting like two big wusses by not doing anything about it.

Hey, we could still be friends right? All three of us?

I guessed that was wishful thinking on my part. But… We could at least go and say hi to her right? Would that be best for all of us?


Yixue:

My brother called me suddenly and told me he was back in Singapore. I had a feeling he was lying. He said he had something important to do at the dance school, and wanted me to go help him with it. Never mind that it was already ten plus at night. I said okay and plucked myself out of my home and made my way there.

I didn’t know why it didn’t occur to me to check the caller-ID on my house phone. Because if I did, I would have confirmed my suspicions that my stupid brother was lying, and I wouldn’t be here right now.

I was damn stupid.

He was fucking in cahoots with the two of them.


Show:

She literally stomped away the moment she saw us. Were we going a little overboard by appearing in front of her at the same time?

“Yixue!” Will called and he went after her.

I couldn’t just stand there, could I? So I ran after them as well. (Yeah, I’d already accepted the fact that I was the world’s biggest fool. Guess it wouldn’t hurt more to continue being one.)

Will caught Yixue’s hand and she had no choice but to stop where she was. She wasn’t strong enough to wriggle out of his grip.

“What do you want?” She demanded.

“Yixue, we just wanted to see how you were doing.”

I stopped about three metres away from them.

“Oh yeah? Do you really care?” Her tone was spiteful, but that was directed at Will only.

“We do.”

“Hell, no! If you did, you wouldn’t have left without a word then!”

I shouldn’t interrupt but I just wanted to step in. “Yixue, calm down.”

說穿了 不是什麼大事情

She stared at me with such cold eyes my heart sank. “Look, none of us wanted things to come to this, but at the same time, I don’t think any of us are at fault.”

“Xiaozhu-gege, it was never your fault.” She said quietly.

“Fine, then let it be mine.” Will said.


Will:

I wasn’t intending to pick a fight with anyone. I didn’t expect to start arguing with her. I didn’t suppose she would react like that.

Show tried to make peace, but the situation seemed to be going out of hand. I was expecting Yixue to just walk away. But she didn’t. She stopped arguing with me; neither did she continue to speak.

Then Show said, “Yixue, can the three of us still be friends?”

He looked at her, then at me. Then we both turned our gazes to her.


Yixue:

What were they expecting me to do?


Show:

I guessed there wouldn’t be any ultimatum.

你心裡觸動的下一首 已經不是我.


Will:

Knowing her, we would probably never lead our lives like before anymore.

我和你的情節 是否已走到最後?


Yixue:

分開才知道分不開 在世界盡頭眼淚偷偷掉下來
原來在愛情裡 我像個小孩

I desperately fought back tears as I stood before them. I’d never felt more useless before in my life.

我覺得自己好失敗…

It was a scene all so familiar to the three of us, something that had already happened more than once. We all stood there, not speaking, knowing that nothing could change the ties that connect us anymore.


A/N: whoa. i didn't plan for a part 3. i just suddenly wrote it. well... guess that's one year later for you. (:

Labels: Caught in the Middle, Part III

我愛你

往往兩個人多親密 是透過傷害來證明



Yixue:

I looked at the both of them, unsure of what to do. Will had a resigned look on his face, Show had a questioning one. Then I realized that, no, I wasn’t going to make a decision at all. I wasn’t going to decide between the two of them. I hesitated for a while, then I turned and walked away.


Will:

The next I heard of her, was that she was moving to Singapore with her brother. And I became even busier with my album promotions, so I didn’t meet Show regularly anymore.

Before she left, she sent me a message, saying that she was sorry, and that she won’t be coming back again.

I should forget her.


Show:

She had left.

The last thing she said to me was ‘sorry xiaozhu-gege, we’ll always be best friends’.

She wasn’t coming back again.

I should move on already.


Yixue:

“You’re leaving Will and Xiaozhu just like that?”

I gazed out of the airplane window. In a few minutes the plane would take off.

Yihua sighed. “I can’t believe this. My sister actually has two guys going crazy over her.”

I scowled at my brother.

“And you caused me to lose two best friends. Humph.”

“Stop being childish. It’s not my fault we have to leave. It’s YOU who need to move to Singapore, not me.”

“I know but you probably want to move more than I do.”

I shut up and continued looking out the window even though I could see nothing but the wing of the plane.

After a while the plane was moving steadily in the air already, and I switched on my Zen Neeon, seeking solace in music. It was on random mode, and the first song it chose to play had to be SHE’s 他還是不懂.

How apt.

他還不懂 還是不懂
離開時想要被挽留

As much as I didn’t want to choose between the two of them, if one of them, any one of them, asked me to stay, I probably would.

I suddenly realized how much I missed Ber. He used to be my everything. Then Xiaozhu-gege had to show up. I couldn’t describe how hard it was to walk away. But it’d be harder to choose between them. That was why I chose, to leave.

愛不是他給的不多
是不知到我要什麼

If I could turn back time, I’d rather not have met the both of them. I wouldn’t have known the beauty of love, but at least they wouldn’t need to experience the pain it brings.

Goodbye, Taiwan.

And, goodbye Ber and Xiaozhu-gege… Forever.

[6 months later]

For the past few months I’d been busying myself with work. I decided not to continue with my degree course anymore, so I’d been helping out at my brother’s dance school. He had just released an EP, so I was also mostly in charge of his activities and stuff.

Busy was good. At least I didn’t have time to think about Will and Show.

Aright that was a lie. I was HOPING that keeping myself busy would help me not think of them. But it failed miserably.

想你知道我睡的不好
喝水想著你 搭車想著你 合眼閉眼間出現的全是你

I wish I could feel the love of Will’s embrace again, and the warmth of Show’s hands. Many times I wanted to scold myself for thinking about the both of them. But I couldn’t help it. Subconsciously, they had both taken over my thoughts.

Obviously, it didn’t help that Xiaozhu-gege had become so hot in Singapore. Every time I turned on the television, I’d see him hosting 100% Entertainment or him dancing so bewitchingly in his advert. Every time I turned on the radio, there had to be some song of his playing.

Then, finally, I stopped listening to the radio all in all. 好朋友 was the last straw for me.

I guessed Will was still in the Mainland. But then again, none of that mattered to me anymore.

Some time ago, Fahrenheit was doing their debut album’s promotions in Singapore. And coincidentally, I got to meet them. That was the first time I met Jiro, and it was certainly not the last. After their album promotions ended, we kept in contact via the telephone and e-mails.

Then Jiro started flying to Singapore on a regular basis. My brother encouraged me to go out with him. So I did.

When I went to watch movies with him, I felt like I had returned to the past when Will and I hit the cinemas every other day. When I had dinner with him, I felt as if I was seeing Xiaozhu-gege munching his food happily like a small boy. When I strolled on the beach with him, it was like Ber was at my side again, holding my hand and telling me that he loved me.

Then I realized. I wasn’t being very fair to Jiro, was I? I saw that I couldn’t lead him on anymore. I told him that, and we decided to stay as friends instead.

My brother found a girlfriend and there he was, happily singing 點水蜻蜓 to her while I was brooding over stuff I should have let go of when I left Taiwan.

Jiro’s visits to Singapore didn’t cease, though it became less frequent due to his busy schedule in Taiwan.

Maybe I should just stop having links with Taiwan completely.

February 9th was the day my life took another drastic turn.

As usual I was walking towards to City Hall MRT station from The Esplanade after work, and then I saw him. I froze. He was covered up in strange garb but I knew it was him.

I guessed he saw me before I saw him, because when I noticed he was already looking at me.


Show:

She was the reason why I just had to come to Singapore for my album promotion. I even had a row with my company over that. But it was all worth it.

On my second day in Singapore, I saw her. I swear it was purely coincidental.

I spotted her first and at that exact moment my heart skipped a beat. Thank goodness I slipped out of the hotel on my own.

I knew I was supposed to have forgotten her and moved on. But now here I was, acting like a lovelorn, lovesick guy again.

She noticed my presence soon after I saw her. She stopped in her tracks. I wasn’t moving either.

I didn’t know what to do.

Should I go up to her to say something? But what should I say? ‘I miss you’? ‘Why did you leave’? ‘Will you go back with me’? No, this was totally ridiculous. I couldn’t say any of that. That’d just make her leave without even answering my questions, perhaps.

We slowly started towards each other.

“Hi.” I said.

“Hi.” She said, avoiding my eyes.

I missed you. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. I’ve been busy with my kor’s dance school and his EP stuff.” She stated simply.

“Oh” was all I could come up with.

I so wanted to take her into my arms and tell her that I’d love her and protect her with my life, for all my life.

But she said, “It’s late. I’ve gotta go.” And she began walking away.

“Yixue!” I called after her before I could process that thought and stop myself.

From her steps I saw that she was reluctant to stop, still, she did.

“Yixue, can’t you give me a chance? To show you that I can and will love you? That I will care about you and protect you? Please?”

Without turning back, she shook her head and hastily walked away.

She soon disappeared from sight and I returned to my hotel room, feeling like shit. I couldn’t even feel my heart beating anymore. I should stop being stupid, and give up right now before I hurt myself anymore.


Yixue:

Why? Why did he have to appear in front of me again? After I’d tried so hard to erase those memories, he just had to come and disrupt my life again.

I couldn’t stop my tears as I journeyed home. Once I reached home, I collapsed into a heap and cried like there was no tomorrow.

I missed Xiaozhu-gege. I missed his crazy antics. I missed his cute jokes. I missed his dazzling smile. I missed his adorable pout. I missed his captivating voice. I missed his enthralling dance moves. I missed his sweet poses. I missed his delectable cooking. I missed his mesmerizing eyes.

I missed everything about him.

Most of all, I missed him. Just, simply him.


Will:

I heard Show was going to Singapore for his album promotion and I had a feeling that he wouldn’t be there only for his album promotion. He probably had other motives. Going to find Yixue had to be one.

That was it. I shouldn’t be letting her go just like that. No, I had to get her back. Whatever the outcome might be, at least I’d have tried. Yes, I needed to go to Singapore, right now.

Even if she did choose Show in the end, I would be able to say that, we were once in love with each other, though it didn’t last till forever.


Yixue:

My brother was shocked to find me bawling my eyes out when he reached home. He knelt beside me and hugged me, lending me his shoulder.

Feeling my brother’s embrace reminded me of Will and I cried even louder.

I was so used to Will. The touch of his hand, the tone of his voice, the shape of his shoulder, the profile of his face, the tenderness of his hug…

God, I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I couldn’t just pretend Show and Will didn’t exist anymore. I shouldn’t try to forget them anymore. I needed to face the truth. I needed them. I couldn’t live without them.

“Kor,” I said between sobs, “Can you tell me what to do?”

Yihua shook his head. “Yixue, look, I’m not you. Neither am I Show or Will. What I can tell you is, however, that both of them love you very much—and so do I—and no matter what your choice is, make sure that you won’t let yourself down. And make sure, that you won’t let whoever you choose down again.”

I nodded.


Will:

I reached Singapore at night on the 10th.

I didn’t know where to find her. I didn’t even know where to start from. I’d been to Singapore quite a few times but I still wasn’t sure where was where.

Instinct told me that I should go there.


Show:

I was leaving tomorrow, and I wanted to see Yixue again. I decided to try my luck at the same place again.


Yixue:

After I ended work I just had this strange feeling urge to go to the roof terrace. So I did. It was already rather late and there were few people up there. I gazed up at the stars, and all of a sudden it all dawned on me. I couldn’t let myself down again. And I wouldn’t.

Suddenly I heard my name. That voice sounded really familiar.

“Ber.” I spun round, and there he was.

從你眼睛看著自己 最幸福的倒影
握在手心的默契 是明天的指引

“Why did you let me go?”

“Because I was stupid. I now know that I shouldn’t have. Will you have me back?” He smiled into my eyes.

My eyes watered.

“I still love you like I did, Yixue. I need to know if you love me too. Or Xiaozhu.”

I opened my mouth but my voice was stuck. I cursed myself for always doing stupid things at the wrong time.

Will continued looking at me, waiting for my answer.

I stretched my arms around him, and hugged him tight. He hugged me back, and I could honestly say that these were the arms I’d gladly lay in for the rest of my life.


Will:

I won’t let her go again. She’s the happiness I want to have, forever.


Show:

I don’t think there would be a more foolish person than me living on this Earth. I shouldn’t be here at all. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her in the first place.


Yixue:

I glimpsed Xiaozhu-gege standing not far away, illuminated by the lamps and the moonlight.

“Xiaozhu-gege.” I breathed against Will’s face.

He released me slowly and turned to see Show rooted to the ground a few metres away.

“Xiaozhu-gege.” I said.

But none of us moved.

Labels: Caught in the Middle, Part II

你怎麼連話都說不清楚?

我站在他的身邊; 你站在我的面前; 怎麼這樣心裡會難過?



Will Pan [26]
Show Luo [27]
Yeh Yixue [20] (fictional)


Yixue:

It was four years ago that I met both of them. It was also four years ago that Will promised that he’d be with me forever. But it was also four years ago that Show stopped having serious relationships. Yet it was four years ago that my heart made a decision, one that I did not know of. Until now.


Show:

[4 Years Ago]

“Oei Zhu.” Will nudged me.

“What?”

Will gestured in the general direction to his left. I followed his gaze.

It was a soccer field, on which there were two groups of guys playing against each other.

I shot Will a ‘what’s-so-great-about-a-soccer-field’ look and Will grimaced at me impatiently.

Will pointed. “Look.”

I looked. “WHAT? Eh? … OH.”

There was a girl amongst almost-twenty boys. And she was no less skilled than they were.

“You know what?” Will stated, “She’s going to be my girlfriend.”

“Huh?”

[2 Years Later]

It was Yixue’s birthday and she held a mini celebration, inviting some of her closer friends, including me.

I showed up with a necklace as her present. From the day I knew her, I’d been giving her little presents now and then. I never expected to get anything back from her, but I stupidly continued to give.

Much as I knew it was impossible for her to suddenly fall for me, stubborn me refused to believe it. I was always the silent listener; I was always there when she needed someone. Even so, I was just but the substitute; the second-in-line; the back-up; the unimportant and insignificant person also known as the “Best Friend”.

I stood in a discreet corner, watching the people chat in cheerful tones and high voices; and watching Yixue walk around with arms interlinked with Will.

I couldn’t describe the feeling. Or maybe, I didn’t want to describe it. To the others, the feeling might be joy and delight. For me, it was nothing but plain torture. It hurt. Damn did it hurt to see her looking so blissful.

I wanted so much for that guy on her arm to be me. But I couldn’t, because that guy was my best friend.

That was the year that I insisted that my producers include the song “小丑魚” in my second album.

But I guessed Yixue never really listened. Will’s third album had more for her to swoon over, what with the songs “太想愛你”, “Kiss Night” and the likes.

我早該知道你終究不是我該愛的人
黑暗中兩眼無神 夜裡不再為我開盞燈
始終不敢把愛說出口 當然沒有資格去競爭

The moment Will set his eyes on her I should have known I should never fall for her. But it’s really true that love cannot be controlled. Day by day, I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into this endless abyss that no one, except her, would be able to save me from.

[Present]

Recently, Will became super hot in the Mainland, and so he was away half of the time doing promotions there. Yixue couldn’t go with him for she was taking a degree course here.

I couldn’t deny we became closer through all these time, but I wasn’t sure if there existed a chance for us to become even closer.

That day we went drinking and I unintentionally said something I shouldn’t have. It was unconscionable that I should take advantage of my best friend’s absence to hit on his girlfriend.

It just came out of my mouth. I told her I liked her. And she said that she knew.

She knew. She knew I liked her. Then why is she doing this to me? When did she know? Is she doing this on purpose?

Questions swarmed in my mind; questions I couldn’t answer yet dared not ask.

I looked at her with an agonized expression and she returned my gaze with one just as pained. Then she raised her hand and placed it on my left cheek.

I covered her hand with mine. And we just stared at each other for a very long time. Until she suddenly pulled away and muttered “I’m sorry.” Then she got up and left.

I hastily chucked a few bills on the counter and ran after her.

“Yixue!” I called as I grabbed her arm from behind.

She halted in her tracks but didn’t turn to look at me. “Xiaozhu-gege, let go.”

“Not until you tell me.”

“Tell you what?” She now turned to face me.

“Tell me why you’re doing this to me.”

“I—” She started, then was lost for words. Her eyes frantically searched the floor as if it would give her answers.

I didn’t let go of her arm as I watched her.

“Just… We can’t be together.” She said, trying to pluck my hand away from hers.

But she wasn’t strong enough. “Why? How long have you known?”

“Two years ago. When you sang 小丑魚.”

My hand involuntarily let go. A weak “what?” was all I could manage.

I saw her hesitate, then she took hold of my forearm and pulled me away. “Let’s go someplace else. I think we need to talk.”

I followed her lead like a retarded, lost child as she dragged me along and dumped me in the passenger seat of my own car. She dug my keys out from my pocket and sat herself in the driver’s seat. She seemed to think for a bit, then she turned the keys in the ignition and drove off.

I half wanted to ask her where we were going, but I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth. I stared blankly into space and heard her call somebody on her cell.

“Hello! You have reached Yeh Yihua’s voicemail! Yes, the bestest dancer in the whole world. Please do leave a message even though I might be too busy to call you back. BEEP!”

Yixue shut her cell impatiently and mumbled “Stupid Kor.”

I stole a glance at her. Her brows were furrowed. I couldn’t even count the number of times I wanted to hold her in my arms when she looked so troubled. Then I lost track of time until Yixue stopped the car.

The place looked familiar. It was my apartment block.

I got out of the car automatically and headed to the lift landing. She was typing a message on her phone all the way from the car to the lift. We didn’t say anything until we were in my apartment.

She sat on my sofa, and I sat myself down on the other side of the sofa.

“The first time we met was after I’d been together with Will for five months.” Yixue stated. “I always wondered, if things would have been the same if I got to know you first, or both of you at the same time.”

I remained silent. I had always wished I had known her before Will.

“I continuously felt that you treated me a little different, from your little notes to your flowers. But I never really realized why until I saw the way you sang 小丑魚. I tried to avoid your eyes but I still could feel them fixed on me. I pretended not to know and reverted my attention back to Ber instead.”

I wanted to look at her, but couldn’t bring myself to do so.

“Xiaozhu-gege, I’m sorry. I—” She stopped abruptly.

“You what?” I blurted out, not even sure if I wanted to hear what she had to say.

“I better get going.” She said in a fluster. “Ber calls me at this time every night.”

“Wait.” I heard myself say. “Answer my question first.”

She halted and looked at me with those soulful eyes.

“Do you feel a bit for me? Even the tiniest bit?”

“I…”

“If I knew you first, do you think it’s possible for us to be together?”

She appeared reluctant to answer the question, but in the end she did. “No. It’s impossible. I don’t like you at all.”

My heart sank even deeper. “Okay.”


Yixue:

I was lying. I wanted to say Yes to every of his questions. But then I’d think of Ber and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything of that sort to him.

Yes, I loved him. But I liked Show too. And I liked him very much. Too much.

I held back tears as I said those words to him. I knew how much it was going to hurt, but I had no other choice. Perhaps it would be best for us if we stayed as just friends. As much as I wanted to be with him, I knew it wasn’t possible as long as Ber was here. I couldn’t bear to think what would have happened if I had known Xiaozhu-gege first. Because thinking would only make me sadder.

Sorry, Xiaozhu-gege. Maybe we weren’t fated to be together this life.


Will:

I was away in the Mainland for close to a year and a half. When I returned, things weren’t quite the same anymore.

Yixue didn’t have that same carefree, blissful look in her eyes anymore.

Show didn’t speak much and stopped joking around us anymore.

And both of them seldom spoke to each other.

It would seriously take a fool not to notice that, and an even bigger one to not know what happened.

As much as I loved her, I saw that she didn’t love me quite as much as before anymore. She was fluctuating between me and Show and I had no idea when she would make a decision once and for all. Even though she didn’t show that she liked him, I could still feel the distance between me and her slowly widening.

I could only say that, because I love her, I’d accept her decision; whatever it might be. Yixue, 怪我自己給你太多機會, 讓你因為寂寞愛上了誰.


Show:

Will was back. I didn’t know how to face him. I actually tried to take advantage of his absence to snatch his girlfriend away. Love does make us do the stupidest things.

I saw his two songs in his latest album and I knew that he knew what went on when he was away. Did that mean the end of their relationship?

It was so apparent in 機會. And then the song he wrote, 謝謝. “想起你看他眼神中的滿足, 我學會了服輸. 他能給你保護, 代替我的照顧, 我只能偷偷的為你祝福,” it said, “謝謝你曾讓我們幸福.”

God, what have I done?

I really didn’t want to split them up; they were my best friends, especially Will.

I think I let him down this time.


Yixue:

He knew. I not only wounded Show, now I injured Will as well. I didn’t deserve two such great guys becoming like this because of me.

I knew I had to give up one of them, but I couldn’t. I loved Will too much to let him go; yet the love I was accumulating for Show was tripping my decision.

I went out with Will that day and we strolled along the streets, just like we used to do in the past.

I was thinking, if Will said or did something to keep me, I’d love him wholeheartedly for the rest of my life.

But if he didn’t, and Show told me to leave with him, then I would.

And what should happen during that fateful stroll, but coincidentally meeting Show.

I was holding Will’s hand, but I just froze the moment I saw Show.


Will:

Something in me made me slowly release her hand.


Show:

不再乎我的心會永遠的寂寞… Go with Will.


Yixue:

And the three of us just stood there.

Labels: Caught in the Middle